Tuesday, December 24, 2013

"A Visit From (Non) Saint Joe"

'Tis the night before Wednesday, we call it Tuesday
In a week from today, it will also be Tuesday.

The boy's playing Xbox. Why's he so loud?
He calls another boy a "cunt". Makes his dad proud.

Mom's in a thong, but that doesn't matter.
She said I'm cut off 'til I stop getting fatter.

I've got insomnia, I'll probably be up all night
So I head to the kitchen to grab myself a bite.

On my way there, I hear a scary fucking noise.
Relax fattie! You just stepped on the dog's toys.

The kitchen is filled with cake, cookies and pie.
I'd say I chose one, but you'd know that's a lie.

Back in my room I plop down hard in my chair,
Grab the TV remote. Let's see what's on there.

The dog stares at me, saying, "I'd like a snack".
I take some chocolate, and rub it on my sack.

I kneel down close to him, but to my surprise,
He turns up his nose, and let's out a sigh.

If you cringed at those lines, that makes me glad.
But my mom read them and cried. Now I am sad.

Rejected first by my wife, and then by the dog,
I load up Spankwire, type in the word "PAWG"

I should stop before this story reaches its climax
SPOILER: It ends on some TP...thrown in the trash

If you're still reading this, that's the greatest gift ever
Sorry I'm not funnier. Sorry my poem's not more clever

I hope your New Year is filled with joy and health
I only said that 'cuz it rhymes with "go fuck yourself"


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